Catholicism: With Trust Lost, I Say Farewell

I’ve been wanting to write something on this for a long time, but haven’t known quite what to say. Not sure I still do. But I’m going to try. Because I can’t just stay silent any longer.

I was raised in the Catholic Church. I attended school and church at St. Mary’s parish in Anderson, IN. Except for being made to wear uniforms, I very much enjoyed it. I went to Catholic school for grades 1-8 before transitioning to the public school system for high school.

For the most part, I had a wonderful experience at St. Mary’s. I was part of a small class. We were all very close and were friends outside of the parish, as well. Father Robert Williams was the Pastor at St. Mary’s for my entire duration there. He was by all accounts one of the finest disciples of love and faith that God has ever given us. He was instrumental in helping my sister and I through the struggles of my father’s alcoholism and eventual divorce from my mother. I’ve always claimed him as one of my biggest inspirations. A social justice priest, which is a rarity in an organization that has always claimed such unbelievably conservative views.

It is quite clear to me at this point, though, that I am one of the lucky ones. This past August, an explosive grand jury report was released by the Pennsylvania attorney general’s office detailing at grim length the sexual abuse of over 1,000 people by hundreds of priests. Most of them children or teens at the time. It was thousands of pages long, but I scanned over some of it. It was shocking, to put it mildly. And they didn’t hold back details. Names, acts committed, time frames. It was truly horrifying. Subsequent investigations have since been launched in a dozen more states. This on top of other major Catholic abuse scandals that have already erupted previously in places like Boston, Baltimore, and Louisiana. A simple Google search and you’ll have no problem finding one.

This ongoing scandal has not effected me directly. Except. It has.

No, I’ve never been abused. But the Catholic Church is quite possibly the largest hierarchical institution in the world. It’s been a mainstay in my life and I always wore my Catholic faith with pride. Until a few months ago. I just can’t bring myself to identify with them any longer. They’ve proven unworthy of being able to police themselves. I’ve never been abused personally, but I feel betrayed nonetheless. I’m sure I’m not alone.

This scandal has erupted to such proportions that it seems as if there isn’t a diocese in the entire country, if not world, that it hasn’t infected at some point. The Indianapolis Star just published a list of abusive priests from right here in my home state of Indiana. This included Fr. Ken Bohlinger, who had stints serving as a pastor at St. Mary’s in Anderson, as well as St. Ambrose in Anderson, and St. Joan of Arc in Kokomo, IN. This compounded with reports that Bishop William Higi, a man who I interacted with several times during my youth, was one to brush allegations under the rug and vouched for several accused priests in the Diocese of Lafayette.

As bad as the abuse is on it’s own, the thing that disturbs me the most is the reports of the massive cover ups. Nobody ever seems to be held accountable. So many times priests were simply shipped off to another parish if any abuse complaints come to light regarding them. No accountability. No proper records being kept. Facts conveniently left out. Incidents never being reported. It just seems to me the Catholic Church has an absurdly long history of being enablers. They’ve enabled this activity to continue for decades and decades. Protecting the institution has clearly been the only priority.

There is a Netflix Documentary series available for streaming entitled “The Keepers”, that even accuses a priest of going as far to commit a murder to prevent a nun from being a whistleblower about his sexual abuse of students at an all-girls Catholic school in Maryland. The documentary interviews several victims who share their stories in grave detail. I legit had trouble sleeping after a couple of episodes. It was that disturbing at times.

“Spotlight”, a biographical film released in 2015, details the Boston Globe’s investigation into widespread and systemic child sex abuse in the Boston area by numerous Catholic priests which served to blow the roof off the church in that region.

It seems, at this point, like a lot of these types of movies and films could be made over and over again. It sickens me. Then there is this article posted in the New York Times just this morning:

Lists of Priests Accused of Sexual Abuse Are Spilling Out Across the Country

I stopped going to Mass several months ago. My conscience just wouldn’t allow me to keep going. At the time I stopped, I wasn’t sure whether or not it was going to be a permanent decision. I was heartbroken, and didn’t want to just abandon it without knowing more. But then the Pennsylvania report came out. I saw that and was done. I told myself I’m never going back. Even though my own experience didn’t lead to encountering any abuse, it’s still the same church. And I had been supporting it. I couldn’t walk into a Catholic church anymore without all of this entering my mind. I could no longer worship there and it was having a negative impact on my relationship with God. I knew I had to withdraw.

As one comment on the NY Times article stated, “I just see this as a never ending scandal. We were talking about this 10-20-30 years ago and there has still been nothing done to resolve it. And it only seems to be getting worse. Priests accused of crimes 30 years ago are Bishops now. Having survived and been promoted. I just don’t see an end.”

I’ve also had a fear of announcing this decision because I still have family and friends that attend the church. I’ve been worried they’d be upset with me for leaving. But you can’t run from your fears, or you’ll just be a living a lie. So I confront it now and just pray that they’ll understand.

For the record, just because I’m not going to attend the Catholic church any longer does NOT mean I’m abandoning God. I’ve always maintained my own personal relationship with the Lord. I still read scripture and pray every morning. I still talk to the Lord and thank Him for all my blessings every chance I get. In fact, I feel like the Lord’s guidance actually helped me make this decision. Assuring me that if I was no longer comfortable within that organization, to walk away. That it was OK. He would still be there for me. That wasn’t going to change.

This has been something I have struggled to come to grips with. I’m sure every Catholic that hasn’t left has been asking themselves some of the same questions. I’m not going to try to talk anybody into making the same decision I am. That’s something you’ll have to come to terms with on your own. The Lord will help. And, likewise, I won’t judge anybody for staying or leaving. Just as I hope that they won’t judge me.

I pray and hope that resolutions are one day put in place. I pray for all the victims and survivors of sexual abuse, that they can find the courage to not allow the circumstances to control their lives and to speak out and tell their story. I pray for the many good priests still in the clergy that they continue to find the proper way to be God’s disciple on Earth. I pray for the members of the church that are innocent bystanders in this whole fiasco. Don’t allow yourselves to be chained like a prisoner. Do what’s best for you. Whatever that may be.

I wish you all a wonderful Holiday season! God bless.